OTTER'S OASIS & DETOX DEPOT

APPLICATION FOR GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT & OUTRAGEOUS FUN !!!

Date (as in Today, NOT if you've ever had one)
O.K. We'll give you this one, since it's your first question
Name your mama gave you:
Address of your Crib, Mansion, Shack or Domicile (condemned or cell block number OK):
Contact Info:
Position (other than horizontal) you are applying for:
Education: (in the loosest sense of the term...)

List job-related skills, training, honors, awards, and special accomplishments such as:
Successfull Beer Runs, Speeding tickets you've beaten, Prom Queen Runner-up, Nobel Peace Prize winner, etc. (HEY! Obama got one, why not YOU?!!...We HOPE you can make CHANGE!)
Do you possess the required 3-tooth minimum to work here?
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY Start with Present or Last position ... meaning UPRIGHT... we don't care what you did in the boss's office to GET the job...
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(Now, NO seems suspicious, but HEY! we respect that you may have gotten the Boss's daughter in family way...)
REFERENCES Exclude relatives and buddies that will say ANYTHING for a SIX-PACK!
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TERRIBLY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS
Yes No Can you count past ten with your shoes on?
Yes No Past twenty with your zipper up?
Yes No Do you drink heavily?
Yes No Are you willing to learn to drink heavily?
Yes No Do you work well with others?
Yes No Are you willing to do my work?
Yes No All of it?
Yes No Can you get us some ether?
Yes No Ever been waterboarded for being late?
Yes No Object to our company policy for doing so?
Yes No The dress code is optional, but are you willing to wear some?
XTRA CREDIT BONUS QUESTIONS!
1. What do you put in a toaster?
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
6. What did the DEADHEAD say when he ran OUT of HERB???
7. What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
8. Explain the “90/10 RULE” within 10 seconds using 90 words…GO!
9. Explain Tolstoy's "War and Peace" in 7 words or less:
10. Explain Hunter S. Thompson's "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" in 7 months or less:
By submitting this form, I CERTIFY THAT the INFORMATION CONTAINED in THIS APPLICATION is (MOSTLY) TRUE and COMPLETE to the BEST of MY KNOWLEDGE(!!??) and UNDERSTAND THAT ANY FALSE INFORMATION ON THIS APPLICATION MAY BE GROUNDS FOR NOT HIRING ME…..unless……… I AM EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKING, HAVE a SET of KEYS to the BAR NEXT DOOR, or ARE an ATTENTIVE DRINK CART GIRL at ANY GOLF COURSE!